The weight of unspoken regrets and the liberation of a sincere apology
The weight of unspoken regrets and the liberation of a sincere apology
"Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it." — Brené Brown
There is a profound power in the admission of failure and the offering of a sincere apology. Yet, too often, we resist it whether out of fear, pride, or an unwillingness to confront the discomfort of our own shortcomings. But true healing, for both ourselves and those we have hurt, requires more than a surface-level "I'm sorry." It demands deep reflection, humility, and the courage to face the impact of our actions fully.
I recently experienced this firsthand in a long-standing relationship with a family member who is deeply close to me. Over the years, we had fallen into a dysfunctional pattern—one where misalignment on one side created a reaction on the other, fuelling the cycle neither of us fully confronted. Difficult conversations were avoided, reinforcing the very patterns we needed to break.
For years, I voiced my concerns. I saw how these cycles impacted our connection and attempted to bring awareness to them. But every time I broached the subject, it was met with resistance, denial, dismissal, or a reluctance to engage at a deeper level. The result was ongoing grief for me, not just for the painful experiences themselves but for the loss of what could have been if we had addressed these issues earlier. The loss of family connections, the intimacy of unity of creating environments that could bring so much more joy and love to everyone.
And then, something shifted.
Although many years later, we finally sat down and reflected on the past. For the first time, there was an admission they had avoided these conversations, not because they didn’t care but because they didn’t want to face the discomfort of what they might find about themselves and the shame they might experience. The admission was both validating and painful at the same time. On one hand, it was a relief to finally hear the truth spoken aloud. On the other, it resurfaced years of grief, the weight of all the unresolved moments, the unnecessary struggles, the missed opportunities for a healthier, more fulfilling relationship.
AND something was still missing.
While my friend was acknowledging their past avoidance, the apology itself lacked depth. It was a casual, almost offhand acknowledgment, an "Oh, yeah, I could have done better, but it is what it is." It didn’t carry the weight of true recognition, of deeply understanding the hurt that had accumulated over time. And this is where so many people miss out on a real opportunity to heal.
A sincere apology isn’t just about saying sorry, it’s about fully attuning to the pain you caused. It’s about ensuring the other person feels that their suffering has been seen, honoured, and taken seriously. It’s about offering the apology not just once but as many times as necessary for it to be fully received and integrated. This isn’t about dwelling in guilt or becoming someone’s excuse to stay bitter, it’s about making sure that healing can actually take place if two sides honestly need healing and recognition.
Many people resist this process. They see an apology as a checkbox: "I said I’m sorry, let’s move on." But true accountability isn’t just about acknowledging the past; it’s about understanding the compounding effect of time: the duration of the harm, the time that has passed without acknowledgment, without a change, and the weight of carrying that pain alone.
Why True Repentance and Admission Matter for Ourselves?
Because the Light Enters Through the Cracks – it’s in the moments that we feel our shortcomings that we can expand our vessel.
There’s a well-known teaching from Kabbalah:
"There is nothing more whole than a broken heart."
Rabbi Menachem Mendel
This means that it is precisely in our moments of deep realization when we see our ignorance, when we feel the pain we have caused when we break open in humility, that we become most whole. The ego constantly tries to protect us from shame, discomfort, from the admission that we have been wrong. But in doing so, it also blocks us from true transformation. The moment we surrender to truth, the cracks in our souls become openings for light to enter and our vessel expands.
In Yoga philosophy and various spiritual traditions, karma is understood as the principle that every action and intention generates a corresponding reaction. Unresolved actions create energetic imprints—open loops—that inevitably return to us. When we fail to take full responsibility for the harm we’ve caused, we leave behind unhealed spaces, which life reflects back in different ways, compelling us to confront what remains unfinished.
From a soul perspective—our higher, more expansive consciousness—these unresolved spaces are deeply significant. Reports from near-death experiences suggest that individuals, despite experiencing profound peace beyond the body, often feel an urgent need to return and mend the karmic imbalances they left behind. This underscores the transformative power of true admission and deep apology, which not only heal relationships but also restore spiritual integrity, breaking cycles of repetition.
In Kabbalah, there is a concept called ‘Tikkun’, meaning spiritual correction. When we refuse to acknowledge our past ignorance and its impact on others, we refuse to do our Tikkun. But when we face our mistakes, when we offer deep, sincere repentance, we elevate our souls.
The Zohar teaches that when we hurt another person, we don’t just damage that relationship, we create an energetic distortion in the universe. That distortion does not simply disappear with time. It lingers, waiting for us to correct it. Correction only happens when we bring light into that dark space through deep remorse and conscious change.
True Repentance Transforms the Soul
The great Jewish thinker Ha Rambam outlined four essential steps to true repentance (Teshuva in Hebrew):
- Recognizing the wrongdoing (fully seeing what we have done)
- Feeling sincere remorse (not just guilt, but deep regret for the pain caused)
- Making amends (ensuring the person we hurt has truly received our apology)
- Committing to never repeat the mistake (proving through action that we have changed)
Without these steps, an apology is empty. And without true repentance, we cannot grow. When we sincerely take accountability, we do not just "fix" things externally; we rewrite our spiritual identity. We become a different, higher version of ourselves.
Avoidance Creates Spiritual Stagnation
Many people think that avoiding admission of guilt protects them, but in truth, it imprisons them. When we refuse to take responsibility for the pain we’ve caused, we keep ourselves stuck in a lower state of consciousness.
What we do not face, we are doomed to repeat.
The Baal Shem Tov, the founder of Hasidic Judaism, taught that when we run from our mistakes, they chase us. But when we turn to face them, they dissolve in the light of awareness.
Time Does Not Heal—Only Consciousness Does
There is a false belief that "time heals all wounds." But time alone may numb the pain but not close the space completely. Only consciousness heals.
Only when we go back and face the truth can we release its grip on us?
The Soul's Ultimate Liberation
On a deeper level, every act of true repentance is part of our soul’s larger journey. We are here to refine ourselves, to dissolve the barriers between us and the divine light. When we refuse to fully acknowledge how we’ve impacted others, we are distancing ourselves from our own light.
True repentance, deep, sincere, humble admission, releases the blockages we have carried. It frees us. It allows us to step into a higher version of ourselves, one that is no longer weighed down by the past but transformed by it. We need to feel the pain to birth this new, expanded version of ourselves.
Most people fear repentance because they think it will break them. But what they don’t realise is that it is in the breaking open that we are made whole. When you finally say, "I see, I feel, I take responsibility, and I will make this right, “something miraculous happens: the weight lifts, the heart softens, and healing begins—not just for the one you’ve hurt, but for yourself.
That is the power of true admission. That is the power of sincere apology. That is the power of turning ignorance into wisdom, pain into light, and brokenness into wholeness.
Take a moment today. Search your heart. Is there someone you owe a sincere apology to? Someone who deserves to know that you truly see the impact of your past actions? Don’t wait. Offer your words with humility, let them be fully received, and witness how a single act of accountability can set both of you free.
Make this a practice.
Because the soul’s liberation begins with the courage to make things right.
